To lulu or not to lulu?

“I am busting thru seams of my workout (rowing) shorts & thinking of trying lulu…do you need to punch me in the face?”

“Yes. Hard.”

So went my text-message convo with my long-distance CFBFF training partner Rebeccah this morning. But damn you guys, I have some major workout short drama that I need some help with.

On a related note, I am getting much better at getting punched in the face when sparring at MMA class. Last night I got popped straight-on quite a few times since I love to drop my hands when I throw a leg kick. Pretty self-correcting problem though.

So anyways, earlier this week I busted through yet another pair of my workout shorts while Wendler deadlifting. Bad enough that even the boy was like “you’re not going to actually wear those to the gym are you?” since I have been pushing the boundaries of crotch-seam coverage lately. The thing is, I am pretty finicky about what shorts I wear to workout in for a number of reasons:
1) I don’t want my shorts to fall down when running or jumping (especially on double-unders)
2) I don’t want my shorts to ride up (like almost every single one DOES) when running or jumping or kicking someone in Muay Thai
3) I want them to cover my butt AND legs (like almost every single one does not WANT to do)
4) I do not want to look lumpy

Pumpkin OHS? Why not! I’m covered with my “radical” choice of color (i.e. clearance priced rowing trou). On a related note, my CFBFF Rebeccah left a few weeks after this photo was taken 😦

Basically, I do not want to think about my shorts (or my junk when I’m doing active stuff (well, truth be told EVER!)) at all. The shorts I have been wearing for the past four years are actually pretty successful at the first three points listed above. They aren’t normal workout shorts though, they are rowing trou. I know they fail miserably at not making me look lumpy, but that’s not really the fault of the shorts, it’s the fault of my genetics and diet.

Anyways. Here’s the deal. I have been happy with the rowing trou since they never ride up, fall down or make me feel exposed. I went to order some new pairs the other day and they were dramatically out of my big-booty size so I tried a new model which I am not a fan of. Why?
1) The inseam is a couple of inches shorter so they make me feel like I am hanging it all out there (let’s face it, if my skin touches the seat in my car I know they are too short)
2) They absolutely, positively do not stay up on double-unders and try to take my underwear down with them
3) I am sure they will ride up when running; I have purposefully not worn them on running days just because I KNOW this will happen and don’t know where our body glide is located post-move to Tennessee
4) They contribute to extra leg muffins when wearing knee sleeves (yes, they are exactly what they sound like)

So here’s where things get tricky. At my new gym EVERYONE but me (and maybe Joe) wears Lululemon. Everyone. When someone has a new pair of lulu shorts & comes to the gym they all notice. It’s hilarious. I have never seen such dedication to a brand as I do at my gym.

Here I am wearing my new shorty-shorts that are not good for jumping or running, but seem to at least stay put for Muay Thai.

It’s so funny that I come home and tell the boy stories about how “so and so had a new pair of shorts today that everyone was asking HOW did you get those, I thought they were sold out!” and the like. I assume they think it’s funny too? And truth be told most of them wear workout shorts that I would not wear because of the riding up thing – they are more like running shorts and not the spandex thigh casing protection I have my heart set on.

Today after having my leg muffins hang out all over the place in my new shorty shorts, I decided that out of morbid curiosity I would check out the Lululemon website to see if they even MADE shorts similar to the rowing trou I like to wear. They do, although the inseam sounds short as hell at 5 & 1/8″! Nevertheless, it got me thinking…should I give in and try the lulu?

You never know when someone will take a picture of you from below, good thing I have sausage casings on! Full coverage.

I have tried workout shorts from SO many places, that I have tons of “around the house” shorts from probably at least a half-dozen brands. None of them could successfully cover steps 1-3 above and I am wondering if this lulu “reverse groove short” can?.

Upside down? NBD. Still covered.

The hang-up I have with lulu is that it IS lulu. My perception is that it is for cute girls, and I am anything but a cute girl. I haven’t bought makeup in more than 5 years, only own nail polish for marking climbing gear (technically, it’s not even MY nail polish, it’s the boy’s), and just last night had a 16-year-old boy giving me advice for how to perform better in a street fight. So yeah, I am not exactly the “target market” here. (Also, I would not want to get in a fight with that kid. I am always afraid one day my coach will make me spar with him; he probably weighs 115 soaking wet but I have seen him just spar & I am scared of him! So would I overhead squat him? Yes. But not fight him.)

I hate that the logo is so prominently displayed on the shorts, otherwise I would try them without a second thought since my brother says lulu makes girls’ butts perfect, therefore accomplishing No. 4! The thing is, I just don’t know if I am ready to look like a lulu girl. Although I suppose there wouldn’t be any mistaking me for a lulu girl if I pair it with something like my normal “Catitude” or one of several Garage Games “free” T-shirts or especially since I won’t have the matching bra & headband.

Side control & I don’t have to worry about my booty hanging out. The boy obviously thinks this is very funny.

I think a part of me feels like I’d look like a phony or lulu-wannabe, but the truth is, I just want performance! What do you think? Should I lulu? I already know the boy’s answer but need some advice from my active girls. I am in dire need of shorts that will not move, and ideally contain my thunder thighs without making muffins. The cost is pretty comparable to a pair of my rowing trou, so that’s a non-factor since I’d only get a couple of pairs and then just wash them every day. No wonder my things fall apart! But seriously in many forms of activity they: don’t fall down, don’t ride up, don’t show junk. Anyone tried these lulu tighties out?

In other news, on my last post I talked about how my sponges were so stinky after just a few days. Several friends shared with me that the culprit was likely my dish soap, Dawn! I was shocked that this cute dish soap that washes ducks after oil spills could be turning my sponges into decaying corpses on my sink, but it seems they were right. I switched to a Grandma brand (Palmolive) and two weeks later don’t smell a thing. So there you go!