Archive for the ‘drama’ Category

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My knife for stabbing people

May 6, 2014

Sometimes I am amazed at the people I cross paths with in my life.

Maybe as I have gotten older I take the time to be aware of these interactions? I don’t know for sure. But, here is an example: a couple of weeks ago our shiny, brand new SUP boards (for the LAKE HOUSE!!!) were delivered. The delivery driver called me as he pulled up and I went down to get on the truck and open the boxes up to make sure they weren’t damaged in transit, as instructed by the company I bought the boards from.

I brought my favorite knife with me to do this, which I affectionately call “my knife for stabbing people.”

This is my knife for stabbing people.

This is my knife for stabbing people.

I am not sure when I acquired this knife, but I have had it for more than a decade in my darkroom for processing, and on every hike and camping trip in case I need to stab someone or something. You never know, truly, when something may need a sharp poke.

Packing in a carry-on to go to Costa Rica is AWESOME but sucks because I can’t bring my knife for stabbing people. Maybe I could risk getting it through but on my way home I hid a bottle of Aloe Vera (it was $11 and I hadn’t used that much of it!) in the middle of my super wet surf clothes in a plastic bag in a Army laundry bag and TOTALLY got busted. I was all “oooops!!!” and that TSA guy was so onto me but was gracious enough to ask me about my tattoos instead.

Anyways. My knife for stabbing people is very special to me. As I cut open the boxes in the truck I set the knife on top of another box. When the driver went to move a box this one slapped against the wall and my (open) knife for stabbing people slid into the abyss.

Well actually it was into a crack along the side of the truck where someone had screwed a piece of wood with about 8 million screws so there was a tiny gap between the wall and this board.

I was obviously distraught at the loss of my precious knife for stabbing people but pretended it was OK. The driver assured me we would retrieve it after we carried the boards up to the house.

Now on this delivery day there was some severe weather predictions here in Tennessee. I mean people were FREAKING OUT. They let schools out early because it was essentially going to be the end of the world. Apocalyptic I tell you!

In fact, while the driver was there his girlfriend called and urged him to hurry up so he could get home before the storms hit.

But he wasn’t going to leave until we got my knife for stabbing people back.

We spent the next 30+ minutes on the floor of that slimy truck with an assortment of sticks and styrofoam boards (to catch the pointy end of the knife) and lift it the 8 inches past the board drilled to the wall. I tried to give up on multiple occasions but he wouldn’t let me. He was going to get that knife if we got picked up in a tornado in that truck while trying to get it. Because maybe then it would slide out!

Finally, FINALLY we got it wedged into a corner and as I pressed it up with two sticks he used a pliers to grab it and save my knife for stabbing people!

And that’s pretty much the end of my story.

But my point is that this guy, whose name I didn’t even get, spent so much time trying to help me retrieve this dumb knife. He didn’t have to, he could have dropped off his shipment and gone on his way well ahead of the storms. But he didn’t. He stayed and played a weird game of fishing for a knife with me instead. I thought that was really nice of him because he didn’t have any idea how much getting that knife for stabbing people back meant to me.

Thank you, delivery guy!

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Gratitude

April 10, 2014

I am so grateful for all the friends and loves ones that have showed me just how much they care about Beatrice passing away this week. I just got this in the mail from Bea’s veterinarian that cut out all of her cancerous bits in a radical surgery almost 8 years ago. The odds were slim she was going to make it another 2 but she obviously didn’t give a shit about odds.

Death is merely a transition from one phase of “life” to another. She’ll live on in your hearts and minds forever. Congratulations on being chosen by fate to be her companion through life. She gave as good as she got.

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WRESTLE

March 28, 2014

The other day I saw this image* come through my FB feed.

As accurate as a horoscope, no doubt.

As accurate as the good ‘ol horoscope, no doubt.

Like any bored sucker I started searching.

Now of course most people see touchy-feely words like ‘sweet’ or ‘compassionate’ maybe even ‘thoughtful’ as this was obviously designed for that kind of sentiment.

The first word I saw was ‘wrestle’ followed by ‘wrestles.’

Do you see it? They are right next to each other, as is ‘wrestless’ which I guess could then be ‘restless’ hahaha

WTF is wrong with me!

I swear, forced time off makes me completely MENTAL. I know I am extra cranky when I am not active and doing fun things so I try to keep it in check, but honestly there just isn’t enough vodka for that.

Anyways, I thought it was too funny to not share though.

In grappling related news I am still on the DL when it comes to exercise that involves ‘physical contact’ BUT, I have been given the go-ahead to return to other activities.

Yay! And yayayayayayayayaya!!!!

So I wanted to celebrate by eating donuts. Makes sense. Maybe I will save that for another day, though.

But here’s the annoying thing. The injury (which originated when???? and where?????) necessitated many, many days in the past three weeks of getting my rib shoved back in place which is a very NOT gentle process. This, of course, resulted in a separate injury to another part of the rib cage. OMG. There is not enough milk in the world for me right now, I swear I need ALL THE CALCIUM.

*Image originates from this website

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Sausage!!!!

November 14, 2013

It’s really funny to see what people search to find my blog. Right now, one of the top searches to lead people to THIS very blog about my super boring life is “sausage hanging out of shorts.”

Really?

I know that while I may occasionally (OK today I did in class) joke about dudes deadlifting in ranger panties I can’t believe in a million years I would have written a topic, or even a string of words even close to something that would lead Google to direct people to my dumb blog where sausages are flopping around. So maybe that’s why it seems even funnier. Of course, now that I’ve actually written that ON my blog even more people will come looking for sausage hanging out of shorts up in here.

Speaking of shorts and junk hanging out, I am in the process of testing out different shorts and capri-length workout pants and it’s not going well. I got a new pair of shorts that are similar in style to my rowing trou that I tested at CrossFit on Monday. These shorts were SO awful – they were falling down, like totally falling down and taking my underwear hostage as I did pull-ups. Pull-ups!!!! Absolutely heinous. I have more brands I am testing and will totally give you the complete low-down when testing is complete in a few weeks. Let’s hope I’m not caught with any junk hanging out. It’s a risky business people, very, very risky.

Making Rice Krispie treats was the highlight of my week.

Making Rice Krispie treats was the highlight of my week.

Anyways. I got onto Pinterest this morning.

Relax, it was for WORK. No tattoo perusing today, I promise.

So I’m not sure what the deal is but my Pinterest insists on following some guy named Chris Case. I have tried to unfollow him a bajillion times and yet his stupid shit comes up in my feed all the time. Usually it’s pins for men’s fashion (OMFG) onto a board called “Pour l’homme” since he’s soooooooo sophisticated that he pins to a fashion board with a FRENCH name. If I see another picture of J.Crew waxed longwing bluchers I may vomit. Does anyone else have this Chris Case Pinterest problem too? Is it like that dude that owned MySpace and was everyone’s friend? Is Chris the Tom of Pinterest?

This is how "into" fashion I am. I wore this out in public.

This is how “into” fashion I am. I wore this out in public.

While on the topic of social media can we please stop with the “interesting facts about me” shit on FB based on some random number? Gahhhwwwddd. When I was growing up there was something just like this called chain letters. They were dumb too.

Am I being mean? I know, it is the month to give 30 DAYS OF THANKFULNESS on FB too. “Dear Diary. Day 14: I am thankful for all the sausage hunters on my blog.”

Maybe it’s because I am on social media allllll day that I sometimes hate it as much as I do. I’m a bitter old lady, I know.

I’m also a bit cranky because it’s looking pretty definite that we are moving AGAIN this summer. And while I knew it was a high possibility, I was crossing my fingers for some miracle that would keep us here a little while longer. Plus it’s to a NEW place we’ve never been which means I will totally have to make new friends, AGAIN. Sometimes it’s easy for me to make friends and sometimes it is really, really hard. But mostly it’s exhausting. Because I have to weed through the people that talk about boring shit until I can find the ones that are fun and that I actually have something in common with. Smile. Nod. Ask questions. Repeat.

The other thing is I really, really like the house we are renting right now. It’s so bright and sunny and there is NO carpet anywhere. The only negative (now that it’s fall) are the huge trees with infinite leaves that have been falling. I decided to rake up the front yard last weekend and made several HUGE piles of leaves. Then I looked around and thought, ‘well shit, now what am I going to do with these?’ The mailman was driving by and complimented my laborious efforts so I asked him what the hell I should do with the leaves. He told me to burn them. Since I don’t really know how to do that besides what I saw once on Duck Dynasty when Jase burned them in the driveway I thought I’d dump them over the fence in the backyard.

So I decide I need a vessel to transport these sonofabitch leaves. My wheelbarrow isn’t big enough, has a flat tire and there is a big hill to go up. So I take the trash out of my bin and start stuffing it with leaves. And….it doesn’t take long to fill up. I drag it up the hill to the backyard where I realize that fence is way too high for me to dump the leaves over. So I just make a massive pile of leaves in the yard. 18 gazillion trips later I have a mound of leaves in the yard. Maybe the boy will know how to burn them.

At some point in my leaf ordeal I hurt my foot. My GOOD foot. Of course, right? That’s what I get for always thinking things through so well. Like what to do with 4000 pounds of leaves. And how stuffing that leg down in the trash bin to squish them 800 times wouldn’t result in some kind of injury.

Anyways, I’ve been trying not to jump/run too much on it this week. Since our workout today involved jumping I decided to do something totally different and heave the Atlas stone instead. Somewhere mid-way through my reps I clipped my chin with this stone. My immediate thought to hearing my teeth rattle together was, “keep your chin tucked!!!” which is a hard lesson I’ve been learning when we spar in Muay Thai.

Ah, life. Funny how lessons repeat themselves.

Kind of like my yard that is AGAIN covered in leaves.

Bird brains. Literally. Bird crashed into the window and left this.

Bird brains. Literally. Bird crashed into the window and left this.

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To lulu or not to lulu?

August 28, 2013

“I am busting thru seams of my workout (rowing) shorts & thinking of trying lulu…do you need to punch me in the face?”

“Yes. Hard.”

So went my text-message convo with my long-distance CFBFF training partner Rebeccah this morning. But damn you guys, I have some major workout short drama that I need some help with.

On a related note, I am getting much better at getting punched in the face when sparring at MMA class. Last night I got popped straight-on quite a few times since I love to drop my hands when I throw a leg kick. Pretty self-correcting problem though.

So anyways, earlier this week I busted through yet another pair of my workout shorts while Wendler deadlifting. Bad enough that even the boy was like “you’re not going to actually wear those to the gym are you?” since I have been pushing the boundaries of crotch-seam coverage lately. The thing is, I am pretty finicky about what shorts I wear to workout in for a number of reasons:
1) I don’t want my shorts to fall down when running or jumping (especially on double-unders)
2) I don’t want my shorts to ride up (like almost every single one DOES) when running or jumping or kicking someone in Muay Thai
3) I want them to cover my butt AND legs (like almost every single one does not WANT to do)
4) I do not want to look lumpy

Pumpkin OHS? Why not! I’m covered with my “radical” choice of color (i.e. clearance priced rowing trou). On a related note, my CFBFF Rebeccah left a few weeks after this photo was taken 😦

Basically, I do not want to think about my shorts (or my junk when I’m doing active stuff (well, truth be told EVER!)) at all. The shorts I have been wearing for the past four years are actually pretty successful at the first three points listed above. They aren’t normal workout shorts though, they are rowing trou. I know they fail miserably at not making me look lumpy, but that’s not really the fault of the shorts, it’s the fault of my genetics and diet.

Anyways. Here’s the deal. I have been happy with the rowing trou since they never ride up, fall down or make me feel exposed. I went to order some new pairs the other day and they were dramatically out of my big-booty size so I tried a new model which I am not a fan of. Why?
1) The inseam is a couple of inches shorter so they make me feel like I am hanging it all out there (let’s face it, if my skin touches the seat in my car I know they are too short)
2) They absolutely, positively do not stay up on double-unders and try to take my underwear down with them
3) I am sure they will ride up when running; I have purposefully not worn them on running days just because I KNOW this will happen and don’t know where our body glide is located post-move to Tennessee
4) They contribute to extra leg muffins when wearing knee sleeves (yes, they are exactly what they sound like)

So here’s where things get tricky. At my new gym EVERYONE but me (and maybe Joe) wears Lululemon. Everyone. When someone has a new pair of lulu shorts & comes to the gym they all notice. It’s hilarious. I have never seen such dedication to a brand as I do at my gym.

Here I am wearing my new shorty-shorts that are not good for jumping or running, but seem to at least stay put for Muay Thai.

It’s so funny that I come home and tell the boy stories about how “so and so had a new pair of shorts today that everyone was asking HOW did you get those, I thought they were sold out!” and the like. I assume they think it’s funny too? And truth be told most of them wear workout shorts that I would not wear because of the riding up thing – they are more like running shorts and not the spandex thigh casing protection I have my heart set on.

Today after having my leg muffins hang out all over the place in my new shorty shorts, I decided that out of morbid curiosity I would check out the Lululemon website to see if they even MADE shorts similar to the rowing trou I like to wear. They do, although the inseam sounds short as hell at 5 & 1/8″! Nevertheless, it got me thinking…should I give in and try the lulu?

You never know when someone will take a picture of you from below, good thing I have sausage casings on! Full coverage.

I have tried workout shorts from SO many places, that I have tons of “around the house” shorts from probably at least a half-dozen brands. None of them could successfully cover steps 1-3 above and I am wondering if this lulu “reverse groove short” can?.

Upside down? NBD. Still covered.

The hang-up I have with lulu is that it IS lulu. My perception is that it is for cute girls, and I am anything but a cute girl. I haven’t bought makeup in more than 5 years, only own nail polish for marking climbing gear (technically, it’s not even MY nail polish, it’s the boy’s), and just last night had a 16-year-old boy giving me advice for how to perform better in a street fight. So yeah, I am not exactly the “target market” here. (Also, I would not want to get in a fight with that kid. I am always afraid one day my coach will make me spar with him; he probably weighs 115 soaking wet but I have seen him just spar & I am scared of him! So would I overhead squat him? Yes. But not fight him.)

I hate that the logo is so prominently displayed on the shorts, otherwise I would try them without a second thought since my brother says lulu makes girls’ butts perfect, therefore accomplishing No. 4! The thing is, I just don’t know if I am ready to look like a lulu girl. Although I suppose there wouldn’t be any mistaking me for a lulu girl if I pair it with something like my normal “Catitude” or one of several Garage Games “free” T-shirts or especially since I won’t have the matching bra & headband.

Side control & I don’t have to worry about my booty hanging out. The boy obviously thinks this is very funny.

I think a part of me feels like I’d look like a phony or lulu-wannabe, but the truth is, I just want performance! What do you think? Should I lulu? I already know the boy’s answer but need some advice from my active girls. I am in dire need of shorts that will not move, and ideally contain my thunder thighs without making muffins. The cost is pretty comparable to a pair of my rowing trou, so that’s a non-factor since I’d only get a couple of pairs and then just wash them every day. No wonder my things fall apart! But seriously in many forms of activity they: don’t fall down, don’t ride up, don’t show junk. Anyone tried these lulu tighties out?

In other news, on my last post I talked about how my sponges were so stinky after just a few days. Several friends shared with me that the culprit was likely my dish soap, Dawn! I was shocked that this cute dish soap that washes ducks after oil spills could be turning my sponges into decaying corpses on my sink, but it seems they were right. I switched to a Grandma brand (Palmolive) and two weeks later don’t smell a thing. So there you go!