Posts Tagged ‘vodka’

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Cray cray

May 27, 2014

I had an adventure of the more unusual quality last week.

It was a special week of events for the boy’s unit, which always concludes with a formal dinner. I have gone to this formal here in Tennessee in the past (well, actually in a cornfield in Kentucky), and down in Savannah. Every year I wore the exact same brown dress that I bought on clearance from J. Crew seven or so years ago. It’s nothing special, a bridesmaid dress I believe, but I always thought it was funny to wear it every single year because it’s kind of ugly and I don’t care about dressing up or looking fancy. I also never take pictures at these things. Which is why this is the only photo I can find that ‘shows’ my dress in any capacity. And my friend Stephanie is totally NOT naked in this picture.

Savannah formal fun. The formal part is way drink-ier in Savannah. What a surprise. Ha.

Savannah formal fun. The formal part is way drink-ier in Savannah. What a surprise. Ha.

Anyways, some of my friends ‘encouraged’ me to try something different from this website ‘Rent the Runway’ where you just rent a dress for the night. It’s actually pretty awesome. You pick out a dress you want and they will send it to you in two different sizes the night before your event. Before you ask let me tell you – they are dry-cleaned before they get to you. Then, you wear whatever dress fits you and the next day, stick them all back into a UPS envelope and send them on their merry way. It could NOT be easier. Also, you are seriously only in your dress for three hours TOPS. Totally not worth buying!

I found a dress on this website that I thought had a perfect cut for my body, which is to say there was room to breathe in the shoulders and hips, which is right where I need it. The only thing was… this dress was LOUD. And by that I mean bright pink.

Here’s the deal with pink. I don’t have a problem INHERENTLY with it as a color. But I hate the fact that products, especially in the outdoor industry, are marketed to women by being colored pink. I fucking resent that, actually. Just because I am a female doesn’t mean I need everything in my life to be pink. It’s just dumb. So, at times I definitely go out of my way to avoid pink. But this time, I did not. Also, it helped that it was raging fuschia and therefore better than a pepto-pink or baby girl nursery pink. Barf.

My friend Erika, who knows a thing or two about make-up offered to put some on for me. I thought this was so sweet of her because otherwise I would have only worn mascara, which is the only makeup I have. So she came over to my house and did my hair AND make-up and believe me I was worried because here’s the thing… Yes, I have very visible tattoos. But I am not a tattoo person with weird-colored hair, piercings all over my body, or black eyeliner. I am otherwise pretty suburban-mom looking aside from my arms (well, at least that’s how I view myself without the rug rats screaming in the back seat). And that’s my “look.”

If you can’t believe that even MAIJA has a ‘look’ well, think about it. If you saw me in the winter with long sleeves you wouldn’t think I have another kind of sleeve under that, and that’s EXACTLY the look I’m going for. I was inspired by a tattoo artist in Savannah that always had nice clean-cut hair and clothes. Obviously, he’s not ugly and all my Savannah friends with ink know exactly who I’m talking about.

So, the makeup. Erika promised that I would not look like a $2 whore but I was still very shocked when I saw what I looked like.

All maked-up! I feel weird.

All maked-up! I feel weird.

Erika, I know, did an AWESOME job. So how she did the makeup has nothing to do with the way I felt. Which is like a drag queen. She warned me that I would probably be shocked every time I look in a mirror because I never wear any makeup so it felt VERY dramatic. I was too embarrassed to go into the gas station to get a drink!

By formal time and with the dress on I felt a lot more normal, also because I stopped seeing myself in mirrors. The formal was at a hotel in downtown Nashville. There’s not a lot to say about the formal part except ALWAYS order a double. Especially when they are ‘closing’ the bar to herd people inside. This one guy just filled up a pint glass with vodka and gave me a splash of tonic. Man, he rocks.

Here's what I looked like in my dress. Thank goodness Joel took a picture because some people were very anxious to see this.

Here’s what I looked like in my dress. Thank goodness Joel took a picture because some people were very anxious to see this. Also, Reagan had legs for DAYS in that dress!

After the formal we had to change to go out downtown. I have to laugh at how the boy thinks people who have been drinking will ever be on time for meeting in the lobby. Or even within 30 minutes of said time. But, he is a NS and being on time is VERY important to him. So after almost falling asleep in the lobby we went downtown.

Here’s where shit got weird.

In the first bar some guy came up to me, got all up close and personal (which I don’t do with people I actually LIKE) and proceeded to ask me why I couldn’t put my tattoos in a glass and shake them. He even grabbed my vodka and water glasses to use as props while he pleaded with me to do this. Granted, I was not sober but this guy was completely off his rocker. I thought at first it was just me – being dumb – not understanding what he was talking about, kind of like the song “Turn Down For What”. One of the guys then hauled him away from me and we went back to normal, which is to say loud and annoying as bars tend to be. Oh, I saw that loser get thrown out of the bar shortly thereafter.

We then went to another bar that was also loud and annoying. There was a girl there who only made one smart decision in the previous 8 hours and that was to put on underwear. All her latter decisions were dumb. Like getting high. And then getting drunk. And then practicing her stripper moves and lap dances in the middle of the dance floor to country music with some guy who could not believe his luck. But, hey, at least she had on underwear.

Striped underwear girl proceeded to come up directly to me in a large group of 15+ people to tell me, personally, that her brother and her boyfriend were going to come beat the shit out of me.

Um, OK.

CRAZY! I told her to bring it on and she went out and tried dancing in the middle of Broadway Ave. She then came back inside to tell me how ‘fucking hot’ I was. I stared her down and she told one of the guys standing near me that it was his fault I wasn’t smiling. And I threw in my chips at that point, fully blaming the makeup. Because while it isn’t unusual for me to have others randomly come up and talk to me about my tattoos these crazies were way beyond the norm and I was done. Because of course I can’t even walk up the street at that hour without freakos coming up to ask me ‘what does your fox MEAN???’ Nothing, asshole, I just like foxes.

Yesterday I saw the funniest thing at Publix. This little guy had a brand new Dodge Ram pickup truck. He was so little he couldn’t see very far over the dash and just plowed up onto the curb where the cart return is in the middle of the parking lot. I burst out laughing so goddamn hard. He totally saw me, too. I hope he felt like a jackass because he sure looked like one. I then thought ‘is this why some guys have to drive huge pickup trucks?’ Think about it. You can’t get away with jacking your little Jetta on the curb like that without ruining something underneath. But a truck? No problemo. Just a working theory I have that those guys are HORRIBLE drivers.

Also, totally unrelated. Today I finished up a (self-induced) 30-day rowing challenge. I had to row on my Concept2 as a separate workout every day for 30 days. This was harder than I thought (for many boring reasons I won’t get into here). But I did it! I added up all of my stats this afternoon and discovered that I rowed a total of 237,760 meters over the past 30 days, which is 147.7 miles. I think I need a sticker for my car now.

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Kids

February 25, 2014

A couple of weeks ago we visited our niece and nephews aged 3, 2 & 11. I hadn’t even finished my coffee on Saturday morning before I needed vodka. (And not just needed but NEEDED, acquired and drank vodka.) I am just not in any sense remotely equipped to be around children. They are completely overwhelming.

A took this selfie while she picked her nose. It was one of 100 (+)?? I found on my phone. Kids are super advanced these days. She probably knows more about my iPhone than I do.

A took this selfie while she picked her nose. It was one of 100 (+)?? I found on my phone. Kids are super advanced these days. She probably knows more about my iPhone than I do.

And in defense of the children, these kids are actually very well behaved. The only thing is the little ones are too small to understand logic. Or reasoning. And that is what I can wrap my head around. If they are told “don’t do this, or else THIS will happen.” They pretty much always do whatever they are supposed to not be doing, and then get the THIS punishment. But how dumb is that? It’s not a surprise when it happens to anyone but the kid. Do they not listen? Do you have to phrase it in some weird secret language kiddish way? Man, I don’t know how almost everyone else in the whole world does it. I can’t handle adults that are illogical, but imagine trying to reason with a child! Although probably the same as trying to reason with many adults when you think about it.

Nick with his drawing of my cat. I love it.

Nick with his drawing of my cat. I love it.

Kids also have the ability to destroy a room in 0.2 seconds by taking EVERY toy out of the bin. They also like to touch EVERYTHING. And by touch I mean not just with the hands, but with the mouth, too. We had to laugh at what a nice and very, very quiet life we lead after seeing how chaotic it is with kids. And god forbid you don’t lock that bathroom door because then you get a little friend who wants to know what your contacts are, what this hairbrush is for, and tell you the story of the ornaments on her necklace which you need to get on her NOW.

So cute, especially his haircut! So that thing in his hands had just been on his nose and mouth and he wanted desperately to give it to me. I was like "where are the Clorox wipes???"

So cute, especially his haircut! So that thing in his hands had just been on his nose and mouth and he wanted desperately to give it to me. I was like “where are the Clorox wipes???”

When we were laying in bed I randomly burst out “I have never been more certain of any decision we have ever made,” and with no reference to any other element the boy knew exactly what I was talking about. I mean we haven’t even graduated to a dog for crying out loud. I am just thankful when we were newlyweds our friends had children all around us otherwise we maybe would have walked down that path without even thinking about it. Although our kid would be seriously old, like high school age. Dang, we’re old.

Four adults took three kids to the aquarium, including one that was strapped into a stroller. Even with that ratio we lost one for a little bit.

Four adults took three kids to the aquarium, including one in a stroller. Even with that ratio we lost one for a little bit. We should have threatened to throw them in the shark tank.

And yes, I know they aren’t little and annoying forever. But it seems to me they just grow up to be bigger and annoying. Or bigger and moody. And what if they get weirdo friends? Or what if they have no friends and play dungeons and dragons all day by themselves? Then I’d worry I had a serial killer! Every time I watch Criminal Minds (or an addiction show, or Hoarders!!!) I think “that’s someone’s kid that they thought might grow up to be President of the United States or a doctor…”

But with my luck I would end up with a girl. And it would be a GIRLY girl that wants to wear make-up, paint fingernails and wear princess dresses and I would just stare at her and say “I literally have no idea what to do with you.” Because the one thing I do know is that kids are just born with a personality and inherent likes, dislikes, desires, drive – whatever you want to call it. It doesn’t matter that my mom likes to go to church and has spent 60+ years playing the piano and writes and publishes her own CDs. I have no interest in either. Likewise, she can’t comprehend why I like to do things I just like to do: play sports, climb, learn how to fight (and defend myself), OLY lifting, you know, the things I just LOVE to do.

Several of my friends have had babies in the past couple of weeks and while I’m usually very unimpressed with newborns (BE HONEST people, when they aren’t yours you KNOW they look a little scary!) my friend Tonya (and Ben) have the cutest little thing that isn’t squished up looking, purple or scaly, and they already have a bunch of pics of her being super animated! I thought they just slept and cried for the first few weeks. I guess you never know.

Jellyfish. Just because it looks like one of those key elements in making babies.

Jellyfish. Just because it looks like one of those key elements in making babies.

So thank you and good luck to all the breeders. I’m sure YOUR kid will definitely save the world someday.

And P.S. of course I TOTALLY love *your* kids!!! It’s everyone else’s kid I can’t stand.