Stop peeing on the seat

April 28, 2014

Ladies. Why do (so many of) you insist on peeing ALL over the seat and floor in a public restroom?

PLEASE help me to understand why you can’t just build a little bird’s nest with TP and sit your ass down.

Some public toilets even make a handy little tissue cover to speed up the bird’s nest build time! All you need to do is pull it out of the box mounted to the wall, and set it on the seat. Even if you are so dumb you can’t use a turn signal in your car, you should at least be able to follow that basic movement pattern, right?

I’ve even been to countries where they have a little fresh plastic cover that you can spin on out by simply pressing a button. A button!

Now obviously, none of these are really necessary if everyone can just SIT their ass down and not spray their pee everywhere.

But it seems that here in the U.S. this is not possible. There are many other countries I have visited that have a better system in place for their women’s public restrooms. It is basically a hole in the floor. There are little spots for you to put your feet and then you just crouch and go. No need to worry about peeing all over the seat because it is simply not possible. Back in the 90s this was definitely the model that the Japanese were using, and quite frankly I think it’s pure genius.

I think maybe they should just take ALL seats off toilets since no-one ever sits on them. Literally, and I mean LITERALLY every public toilet I had the pleasure of using in the last week was covered in urine. And in airports there are people constantly cleaning the bathrooms, so it’s not like it is a neglected hovel, there are just that many people hosing down the toilets.

I think without the seats there would at least be less pee splashing onto the floor where some SUPER gross people set their purse (which will then later sit on top of the table where your FOOD is (and infinitely grosser!!!).

If you really cannot fathom wiping off someone else’s pee and then building a nest to protect your own butt then maybe you should just lift the seat up. Save it for someone who DOES want to sit down. The worst offenders are obviously people who do the spray pee all over the seat in the handicapped stall. There are some people who have no CHOICE but to sit down, and I’m pretty sure they don’t want your nasty pee on their bum.

So women, really. Let’s get it together. I am not even going to get into the other horrors of public bathrooms including: how some people do not know proper ‘flush the toilet’ protocol, or how to dispose of your sanitary products in the provided bin, and why not to leave your half-eaten egg McMuffin on the toilet paper container etc., because frankly, that’s fodder for at least three other blog posts.



April 10, 2014

I am so grateful for all the friends and loves ones that have showed me just how much they care about Beatrice passing away this week. I just got this in the mail from Bea’s veterinarian that cut out all of her cancerous bits in a radical surgery almost 8 years ago. The odds were slim she was going to make it another 2 but she obviously didn’t give a shit about odds.

Death is merely a transition from one phase of “life” to another. She’ll live on in your hearts and minds forever. Congratulations on being chosen by fate to be her companion through life. She gave as good as she got.




March 28, 2014

The other day I saw this image* come through my FB feed.

As accurate as a horoscope, no doubt.

As accurate as the good ‘ol horoscope, no doubt.

Like any bored sucker I started searching.

Now of course most people see touchy-feely words like ‘sweet’ or ‘compassionate’ maybe even ‘thoughtful’ as this was obviously designed for that kind of sentiment.

The first word I saw was ‘wrestle’ followed by ‘wrestles.’

Do you see it? They are right next to each other, as is ‘wrestless’ which I guess could then be ‘restless’ hahaha

WTF is wrong with me!

I swear, forced time off makes me completely MENTAL. I know I am extra cranky when I am not active and doing fun things so I try to keep it in check, but honestly there just isn’t enough vodka for that.

Anyways, I thought it was too funny to not share though.

In grappling related news I am still on the DL when it comes to exercise that involves ‘physical contact’ BUT, I have been given the go-ahead to return to other activities.

Yay! And yayayayayayayayaya!!!!

So I wanted to celebrate by eating donuts. Makes sense. Maybe I will save that for another day, though.

But here’s the annoying thing. The injury (which originated when???? and where?????) necessitated many, many days in the past three weeks of getting my rib shoved back in place which is a very NOT gentle process. This, of course, resulted in a separate injury to another part of the rib cage. OMG. There is not enough milk in the world for me right now, I swear I need ALL THE CALCIUM.

*Image originates from this website


Thanks for the advice

March 24, 2014

As a girl, there are certain things in life that I can never do right.

I mean guys always know better, right?

This is never more true than when we go shoot guns.

This weekend we went to the steel target range which is a bit more fun because it is OK to draw from a holster and shoot in unorthodox positions. You can shoot from a chair, laying on the ground, moving forward, sideways, backwards whatever kind of practice you want.

We took the Glock and the 1911 to shoot with. I really enjoy firing both guns but the Glock holds 15 rounds vs. 8 on the Colt so I was spending a bit more time with the Glock. Shortly after we arrived and I finished a round where I hit 14 of 15 the range safety came over to try and teach me how to “hold” a gun.

Seriously dude, I just hit 14 of them, and they aren’t big targets. They are little saucers, even in the back row, I think I’m doing just fine.

But no, he knew a BETTER way for me to stand, a BETTER way to lock my elbows (which I never do!), a BETTER way to wrap my hands and hell, even which eyeball I should be using.

In fact, he insisted that I try all of this with his BETTER gun (a Sprinfield .45 which we also have, but didn’t even bother to bring on Saturday because the Glock and 1911 are way nicer). Of course I then had a 50% hit rate because he was trying to jack me all up.

And believe me, this isn’t a one-off. Every single time we go to the range some strange guy will come up to give me “advice.”

I really don’t understand what compels them to do this. I’m not a shit show. I may not be 100% all the time, but I think I do pretty good, and am proficient and comfortable with all the bits and pieces of our weapons. Also, I don’t feel like I put off a very friendly vibe so that’s even weirder.

On a somewhat related note, the boy suggested I practice drawing with the safety on and switching it off just before I fire with all 8 rounds in the 1911. I didn’t see the logic in that since when I start firing at someone that is in my house, the safety is not going to be on again until they are on the floor and bleeding. But maybe that’s just me.

I’m super bitchy right now though anyways, mostly because I have an injury that is currently limiting ALL activities to “walking” and I had to seriously negotiate for even that! I’m sure shooting at the range would not be approved either, but we weren’t taking the rifle out.

Anyways, one of my ribs has decided it no longer feels like staying attached to the spinal column. It consistently pops out of place no matter how many times the chiropractor puts it back in. And putting it back in isn’t exactly a gentle thing, either.

I have never really trusted chiropractors (*see explanation below) so I kind of wonder if he is BS-ing me about what I can and can’t do, although there is no doubt that stupid thing keeps coming out because I am now very used to feeling it out, and how jolting it is to go back in.

The more tape, the better - right? That's the working theory here. Also, they take it off every day to re-do it which also takes several layers of skin. I know I'm SUPER whiney.

The more tape, the better – right? That’s the working theory here. Also, they take it off every day to re-do it which also takes several layers of skin. I know I’m SUPER whiney.

Anyways, to test him today I told him my discomfort level was at a mere 2. Who doesn’t walk around all day at a 2 at least somewhere in their body? (Well, people that I know are consistently probably at 2 with all the random sorts of injuries!)

Even at a 2 though he says, “come back Wednesday and we will talk about exercise then…” after he crushed the rib back into the spine.

So instead of spending my mornings working out I now go to the chiropractor. It sucks, although there is some amusement to be had just with the other people in the waiting room and the stories they tell.

One day a woman, who obviously is not at ALL fond of her daughter-in-law, was complaining and complaining about how every Christmas eve the mother of her grandchildren has the audacity to cook meatballs with jelly inside. (I agree, those sound gross, but wow, she was really angry about that and how it has ruined every single Christmas, ever.)

Then, some lady that smells like an ash tray and works there likes to talk on and on about her roller derby and how she’s never broken a bone doing it (she’s like 19??? so probably hasn’t been doing it that long) and really gets insulted when she gets carded for cigarettes. Because of course she’s not even 21 so can’t legally drink yet.

Hahahaha Do you remember when you were that age? Late teens and early 20s and you thought for sure you looked old and mature and like a total grown up? I know I did. Now I laugh at those pictures because I totally look like a kid. As do all those ‘adults’ in that age range to me now.

Man, it’s crazy what a little perspective and life will do for you!

*OK, here’s the deal. When I was a kid I remember being told a story about a man who was younger than my parents that was in a wheelchair after suffering a stroke that was supposedly the result of going to the chiropractor. As an adult, I realize this may not be true. I remember lots of stories from childhood that aren’t true! Another example is that wood ticks burrow under your skin and then start living under there and having babies.

THIS IS WHAT A WOODTICK CAN DO DO YOU!!! Hahaha But really, I haven't even begun to share my story of leprosy. Is that even how you spell it??? Thank goodness it doesn't look (or feel) like this anymore.

 THIS IS WHAT A WOOD TICK CAN DO TO YOU!!! Hahaha, but really I haven’t even begun to share my story of leprosy. Is that even how you spell it??? Thank goodness it doesn’t look (or feel) like this anymore.

Annnnndddd Thank goodness for dirty martinis. Although this one was not super dirty, which I'm OK with because that just means more vodka.

Thank goodness for dirty martinis. Although this one was not super dirty, which I’m OK with because that just means more vodka.



February 25, 2014

A couple of weeks ago we visited our niece and nephews aged 3, 2 & 11. I hadn’t even finished my coffee on Saturday morning before I needed vodka. (And not just needed but NEEDED, acquired and drank vodka.) I am just not in any sense remotely equipped to be around children. They are completely overwhelming.

A took this selfie while she picked her nose. It was one of 100 (+)?? I found on my phone. Kids are super advanced these days. She probably knows more about my iPhone than I do.

A took this selfie while she picked her nose. It was one of 100 (+)?? I found on my phone. Kids are super advanced these days. She probably knows more about my iPhone than I do.

And in defense of the children, these kids are actually very well behaved. The only thing is the little ones are too small to understand logic. Or reasoning. And that is what I can wrap my head around. If they are told “don’t do this, or else THIS will happen.” They pretty much always do whatever they are supposed to not be doing, and then get the THIS punishment. But how dumb is that? It’s not a surprise when it happens to anyone but the kid. Do they not listen? Do you have to phrase it in some weird secret language kiddish way? Man, I don’t know how almost everyone else in the whole world does it. I can’t handle adults that are illogical, but imagine trying to reason with a child! Although probably the same as trying to reason with many adults when you think about it.

Nick with his drawing of my cat. I love it.

Nick with his drawing of my cat. I love it.

Kids also have the ability to destroy a room in 0.2 seconds by taking EVERY toy out of the bin. They also like to touch EVERYTHING. And by touch I mean not just with the hands, but with the mouth, too. We had to laugh at what a nice and very, very quiet life we lead after seeing how chaotic it is with kids. And god forbid you don’t lock that bathroom door because then you get a little friend who wants to know what your contacts are, what this hairbrush is for, and tell you the story of the ornaments on her necklace which you need to get on her NOW.

So cute, especially his haircut! So that thing in his hands had just been on his nose and mouth and he wanted desperately to give it to me. I was like "where are the Clorox wipes???"

So cute, especially his haircut! So that thing in his hands had just been on his nose and mouth and he wanted desperately to give it to me. I was like “where are the Clorox wipes???”

When we were laying in bed I randomly burst out “I have never been more certain of any decision we have ever made,” and with no reference to any other element the boy knew exactly what I was talking about. I mean we haven’t even graduated to a dog for crying out loud. I am just thankful when we were newlyweds our friends had children all around us otherwise we maybe would have walked down that path without even thinking about it. Although our kid would be seriously old, like high school age. Dang, we’re old.

Four adults took three kids to the aquarium, including one that was strapped into a stroller. Even with that ratio we lost one for a little bit.

Four adults took three kids to the aquarium, including one in a stroller. Even with that ratio we lost one for a little bit. We should have threatened to throw them in the shark tank.

And yes, I know they aren’t little and annoying forever. But it seems to me they just grow up to be bigger and annoying. Or bigger and moody. And what if they get weirdo friends? Or what if they have no friends and play dungeons and dragons all day by themselves? Then I’d worry I had a serial killer! Every time I watch Criminal Minds (or an addiction show, or Hoarders!!!) I think “that’s someone’s kid that they thought might grow up to be President of the United States or a doctor…”

But with my luck I would end up with a girl. And it would be a GIRLY girl that wants to wear make-up, paint fingernails and wear princess dresses and I would just stare at her and say “I literally have no idea what to do with you.” Because the one thing I do know is that kids are just born with a personality and inherent likes, dislikes, desires, drive – whatever you want to call it. It doesn’t matter that my mom likes to go to church and has spent 60+ years playing the piano and writes and publishes her own CDs. I have no interest in either. Likewise, she can’t comprehend why I like to do things I just like to do: play sports, climb, learn how to fight (and defend myself), OLY lifting, you know, the things I just LOVE to do.

Several of my friends have had babies in the past couple of weeks and while I’m usually very unimpressed with newborns (BE HONEST people, when they aren’t yours you KNOW they look a little scary!) my friend Tonya (and Ben) have the cutest little thing that isn’t squished up looking, purple or scaly, and they already have a bunch of pics of her being super animated! I thought they just slept and cried for the first few weeks. I guess you never know.

Jellyfish. Just because it looks like one of those key elements in making babies.

Jellyfish. Just because it looks like one of those key elements in making babies.

So thank you and good luck to all the breeders. I’m sure YOUR kid will definitely save the world someday.

And P.S. of course I TOTALLY love *your* kids!!! It’s everyone else’s kid I can’t stand.


Costa Rica!

February 3, 2014

Today is one of the saddest days of the year for me.


Because it is the LONGEST time span between now and when the NFL starts playing again. Sure, there are little spurts of excitement around the combines, and then the draft, maybe a little pre-season but none of it is the same as sitting on the couch and watching games on a Sunday afternoon. And obsessively playing Fantasy Football, naturally.

Oh, I know there are lots of people out there who have a gazillion better things to do with their time than watch an NFL game, which they like to remind you of on FB on Superbowl night. But, I am sure they have their own (obviously VERY dorky) sport they follow so just suck it. I know, I know you are totally on a different cultural level than me, but I’m OK with that. Because people like me are crass and tell people like you to suck it. See, there I did it again.

Anyways! As much as I love to sit around on Sunday afternoon (I used to have Thursday and Monday too but alas, no more cable TV!) and do nothing but watch the NFL during the fall and winter months, one thing I hate doing is sitting around on vacation. It drives me absolutely nuts. My most boring trip ever was when we went to Molokai for a weekend. Molokai is a very sparsely populated island because it used to (well, actually still does) have a leper colony. There was seriously nothing to do there where we were but sit in hammocks, walk on the beach and literally nothing else. I was with awesome people, but holy SHIT I thought I would die of boredom. Of course, I was mildly concerned we might run into that a bit in Costa Rica but we didn’t. It was a super fun trip.

Here are some of the highlights of my trip!
– It is only a 3.5 hour flight from Atlanta to Costa Rica. Since I hate being squished in planes by annoying people that wear too much perfume and don’t know how to use their INSIDE voice, this is a HUGE positive.

– The surf camp sends a driver to pick you up at the airport (no charge if you fly in & out on a Saturday!). He has a sign with your name on it. I immediately felt like an important person, since I have never had someone with a sign for me! The other huge bonus is you don’t have to drive because that would be a whole ‘nother type of adventure, let me tell you. Not only do you navigate around cows and horses on the road, but bikes, motorbikes, pedestrians, cars, busses, all traveling at either 95 mph or 12 mph.

– The weather is very nice in Costa Rica so you don’t need to pack very much. We both packed everything we needed in backpack carry-ons. And even then it was more than we needed. Mostly you just need lots and lots of swim suits since that is basically all you will wear.

– I totally surfed waves EVERY SINGLE DAY. The number one question I’ve been asked was “did you actually stand up surfing?” and I’m not sure if I should be super insulted that so many people are surprised when I tell them, shit yeah I did, every single day! And on a variety of different boards and in very different conditions.

That’s me. And yes, I am surfing.

– I was lucky enough to get evidence of my surfing since obviously people think I was totally incapable of doing so. The surf camp sent a photographer out one day when we went to Playa Grande and he was paying very, very close attention to the times I stood up.

– Tamarindo, the town we stayed in, is pretty small so you can walk everywhere. Although walk OFF the road or risk certain death. Also be ready for lots of offers for “premium blow, weed…you want???” or maybe that’s just what I was constantly getting because I look like a degenerate anyways, although the locals did find my tattoos fascinating. It was definitely a tourist-y town which was nice because they took American dollars and almost all spoke some degree of English. Yeah, I am totally that asshole American that visits a foreign country speaking very little of their language.

– There are not waivers for ANYTHING in Costa Rica, which is kind of fun. You do everything at your own risk. Walk in this river with crocodiles? OK! Zipline upside down while your guides try to bounce the line enough to dip your head in the river? No problemo!

– Need I even point out that drinking Costa Rican coffee in country is totally awesome? Also, since they aren’t importing food you eat seasonally, which means everything is fresh and local. The best way to describe it is that you are eating in color, versus eating in black & white back at home.

– Sunsets, sunsets and more sunsets.

We didn’t miss a single sunset on the beach.

The less exciting parts of the trip that are nevertheless memorable!
– Having a cup of salt water pour out of my nose at the dinner table after a day of eating epic shit.

– Having to (literally) bring extra shorts with me because of my stomach rejecting EVERYTHING for 1.5 days. That was not especially pleasant. I think this one mean waitress poisoned me. Waitresses in Costa Rica seem especially put out when they have to do anything that involves their job. They are only happy when they are ignoring all of their tables and chatting with each other. So order LOTS of drinks as soon as you sit down, trust me.

– The constant application and re-application of sunblock. It was exhausting! I swear I spent 30% of my day putting on sunblock! But, no burns for me.

– The idiots in the water who don’t realize they are splashing around in front of BEGINNER surfers who have no idea how to manage their 9-foot board, which is attached to them with a very, very long leash. It was women with small children and super old dudes that would walk right on in and pop up in front of you as you caught a wave. Guess that’s where the no waiver for any reason part comes in handy.

Since we couldn’t spend every minute of every day surfing, we did some other extracurricular activities including:
– Canopy tour (zip lining)
– Estuary kayak tour (aka we need to go find us some crocodiles and monkeys!)
– Deep sea fishing (total bust! but we are going to try again.)
– Horseback ride to the top of the hills in Tamarindo to the beach (bring LONGER shorts for this, ladies!)

My dumb baby tuna.

The boy’s unit hosts “marriage retreats” CONSTANTLY. I have never had to go on one because I have always had other trips planned (he has had to go on a marriage retreat by himself!). Anyways, my point is that I assume they never do this.

Although maybe at marriage retreats you talk about that one time your husband tried to push you off your surf board. This is proof of that!

Monkeys! And some baby monkeys too!!!

We had SO much fun that as soon as we left we started planning when we would go back. Which we totally are. It helps that it is not very expensive to have a GREAT time in Costa Rica.

If you are interested, let me know! Also, check out Witch’s Rock Surf Camp – we had our own instructor, Josimar, the entire week. He was a great instructor. Even after a few days he knew me good enough to know that I desperately NEEDED a pep talk after I had a HORRIBLE day on Wednesday when a huge swell came in and we all ate shit for 2 hours straight. The next day he then gave me FIRST RIDES EVER on a brand new Robert August surfboard. I wasn’t nervous about that AT ALL. The pressure to not crash! But, it was an epic board. All the instructors are funny. I don’t understand much Spanish but I do know they were making fun of SOMEONE for acting like a chicken when they stood up. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t me though, I’m putting money on it being the velociraptor.

One guy told me to go look for “Costa Rica butterflies” in this well. I am not dumb though, I knew it would be bats. And I was right!

And if you are my FB friend, you can see all of my Costa Rica pics (well, not ALL of them, obviously) here.

How can you not want some of this?

And they were sooooooo good!!!! I actually felt a little bad for the boy when we’d eat these since I would insist on eating half. Most of the other girls there would never eat HALF a plate of these, much less a quarter, which means their partner got lots more. But, I am not most girls.



January 28, 2014

Late, late Saturday night I got home from our amazing trip to surf camp in Costa Rica.

It was so much fun.


Even if I got so sick I pooped my pants, it was still fun.

I will hopefully have a return trip planned by the end of the week!

Nothing I have stated thus far is not a fact.

So yeah, that TOTALLY happened.

Let’s move past that last gross part with this pretty picture.

Anyways, when you go on a trip like this, you’re bound to meet lots of people. And we did. There was an awesome trio of guys from Indiana. I thought it was a three generation thing, but it turns out there was just a lot of years between the two sons. So a dad and his two sons, the youngest of which was a senior in high school with his calculus book and trying to decide between Purdue and Indiana University. Obviously I told him that boilermakers are dumb. But it was funny to see him drinking beer with his dad and older brother, being awkward with all the girls, and paddling for any wave within 200 feet of him. Also, super cool of the dad of at least 60 years to be out there trying something new, and taking his sons to Costa Rica for a very unique experience like that.

There was a British gal there who thought the older son was cute. It was so funny. We’d be out on the beach taking pictures of the sunset and he’d walk by and she’d make sure to get him in the frame of MULTIPLE shots. I thought he was awkward because he didn’t talk very much. But hey, not everyone thinks I’m as much of an entertaining conversationalist as I do.

So why is the title of this blog velociraptor?

Because THIS is the person I got the most entertainment watching on the trip.

I first noticed her at lunch when I overheard her talking to another woman that was traveling by herself. She was talking (very loudly) about “how I had the most VISCERAL reaction….” and so I knew immediately she is a recent divorce (the French kind, I don’t know how to put an accent on there!).

There is just something about “artistic” women of a certain age that are divorced that use words like “visceral” (and veracity, while you’re at it) while eating chips and salsa. I knew immediately she would be gaming for attention the whole time from one of the many single guys at the surf camp as well. And boy was I right.

She immediately became known as the velociraptor. The boy and I would track all of her movements when she was in view. Here was a typical morning (please read this as if a narrator with a British accent is speaking!)

– The velociraptor awakens from her slumber to stumble down the stairs and lay her head on the table. It has drank far too much booze for a female of 43 years who has a surf lesson at 6 a.m., as we watch we must ask: will the velociraptor awaken to get in the water?

– The velociraptor is lured to the board cage with the appearance of a young, shirtless 20-something male handing out boards. He gives the velociraptor the biggest, safest board available (aka the super-duper newbie board no-one but the velociraptor uses for more than one class even though she’s been surfing for a week). The velociraptor flirts insatiably with the young male, cackling in a manner not at all appropriate for the hour.

– The velociraptor cannot carry her own board to the beach. She whines about it until her 93lb. male instructor carries it for her…along with his own board.

– The velociraptor returns after her lesson and showers in front of the restaurant, ensuring all males gain visual access to her gigantic breasts which are spilling out of her ill-fitting suit.

– The velociraptor takes a seat in the restaurant and begins to hunt for a male on which to feed. She does this by trying to start conversations with any male that walks within 10 feet of her. She offers water, her towel, her half-eaten food, even a massage! Absolutely anything that would get one to sit with her.

We had a surf camp field trip one morning, in which we were lucky enough NOT to ride in the velociraptor’s van. After the velociraptor fell off her board a dozen times, she started devouring the poor, innocent man selling fresh coconut water on the beach. By the time we came in she had consumed 2.5. How do you think her stomach felt later?!?! Hahaha. That fresh coconut water is not something to be taken lightly, FYI. Not that coconut water was my particular issue.

Watching the movements of the modern day velociraptor on vacation in Costa Rica was truly fascinating. Occasionally she would lure a man into her trap. Including our neighbor! Not that I know if anything happened, but I did see him check out of the hotel on Thursday. So I was surprised to see him out on the beach on Saturday. Apparently the velociraptor was far more cunning than I gave her credit for!