h1

Kids

February 25, 2014

A couple of weeks ago we visited our niece and nephews aged 3, 2 & 11. I hadn’t even finished my coffee on Saturday morning before I needed vodka. (And not just needed but NEEDED, acquired and drank vodka.) I am just not in any sense remotely equipped to be around children. They are completely overwhelming.

A took this selfie while she picked her nose. It was one of 100 (+)?? I found on my phone. Kids are super advanced these days. She probably knows more about my iPhone than I do.

A took this selfie while she picked her nose. It was one of 100 (+)?? I found on my phone. Kids are super advanced these days. She probably knows more about my iPhone than I do.

And in defense of the children, these kids are actually very well behaved. The only thing is the little ones are too small to understand logic. Or reasoning. And that is what I can wrap my head around. If they are told “don’t do this, or else THIS will happen.” They pretty much always do whatever they are supposed to not be doing, and then get the THIS punishment. But how dumb is that? It’s not a surprise when it happens to anyone but the kid. Do they not listen? Do you have to phrase it in some weird secret language kiddish way? Man, I don’t know how almost everyone else in the whole world does it. I can’t handle adults that are illogical, but imagine trying to reason with a child! Although probably the same as trying to reason with many adults when you think about it.

Nick with his drawing of my cat. I love it.

Nick with his drawing of my cat. I love it.

Kids also have the ability to destroy a room in 0.2 seconds by taking EVERY toy out of the bin. They also like to touch EVERYTHING. And by touch I mean not just with the hands, but with the mouth, too. We had to laugh at what a nice and very, very quiet life we lead after seeing how chaotic it is with kids. And god forbid you don’t lock that bathroom door because then you get a little friend who wants to know what your contacts are, what this hairbrush is for, and tell you the story of the ornaments on her necklace which you need to get on her NOW.

So cute, especially his haircut! So that thing in his hands had just been on his nose and mouth and he wanted desperately to give it to me. I was like "where are the Clorox wipes???"

So cute, especially his haircut! So that thing in his hands had just been on his nose and mouth and he wanted desperately to give it to me. I was like “where are the Clorox wipes???”

When we were laying in bed I randomly burst out “I have never been more certain of any decision we have ever made,” and with no reference to any other element the boy knew exactly what I was talking about. I mean we haven’t even graduated to a dog for crying out loud. I am just thankful when we were newlyweds our friends had children all around us otherwise we maybe would have walked down that path without even thinking about it. Although our kid would be seriously old, like high school age. Dang, we’re old.

Four adults took three kids to the aquarium, including one that was strapped into a stroller. Even with that ratio we lost one for a little bit.

Four adults took three kids to the aquarium, including one in a stroller. Even with that ratio we lost one for a little bit. We should have threatened to throw them in the shark tank.

And yes, I know they aren’t little and annoying forever. But it seems to me they just grow up to be bigger and annoying. Or bigger and moody. And what if they get weirdo friends? Or what if they have no friends and play dungeons and dragons all day by themselves? Then I’d worry I had a serial killer! Every time I watch Criminal Minds (or an addiction show, or Hoarders!!!) I think “that’s someone’s kid that they thought might grow up to be President of the United States or a doctor…”

But with my luck I would end up with a girl. And it would be a GIRLY girl that wants to wear make-up, paint fingernails and wear princess dresses and I would just stare at her and say “I literally have no idea what to do with you.” Because the one thing I do know is that kids are just born with a personality and inherent likes, dislikes, desires, drive – whatever you want to call it. It doesn’t matter that my mom likes to go to church and has spent 60+ years playing the piano and writes and publishes her own CDs. I have no interest in either. Likewise, she can’t comprehend why I like to do things I just like to do: play sports, climb, learn how to fight (and defend myself), OLY lifting, you know, the things I just LOVE to do.

Several of my friends have had babies in the past couple of weeks and while I’m usually very unimpressed with newborns (BE HONEST people, when they aren’t yours you KNOW they look a little scary!) my friend Tonya (and Ben) have the cutest little thing that isn’t squished up looking, purple or scaly, and they already have a bunch of pics of her being super animated! I thought they just slept and cried for the first few weeks. I guess you never know.

Jellyfish. Just because it looks like one of those key elements in making babies.

Jellyfish. Just because it looks like one of those key elements in making babies.

So thank you and good luck to all the breeders. I’m sure YOUR kid will definitely save the world someday.

And P.S. of course I TOTALLY love *your* kids!!! It’s everyone else’s kid I can’t stand.

Advertisements

4 comments

  1. I love this. Even though I am getting ready to have a baby I know it’s not right for everyone. It has to be right for you and your partner and it’s not uncommon for people to forget that. If you’re just in checking off milestones mode then you could suddenly find yourself ready to have a baby and not even sure if that’s right for you. I applaud you both for recognizing that non-logical little beings are not your cup of tea.


    • Thanks Tali! We married pretty young and never discussed kids beforehand assuming “that’s just what people do” and that we probably would one day, too. But once we started to think about it as others around us had kids and we really considered that responsibility, we both (luckily, really!) agreed that it just isn’t for us. That is why it’s great to have nieces & nephews though. 🙂


  2. Bwahahahahaha! Your observations make me snort – mine almost didn’t survive the “little and annoying” years…thank goodness for Rusty’s patience and Clorox wipes:-)


    • Yes, thank goodness for Clorox wipes for sure! 🙂



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: