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Velociraptor

January 28, 2014

Late, late Saturday night I got home from our amazing trip to surf camp in Costa Rica.

It was so much fun.

SO MUCH FUN!

Even if I got so sick I pooped my pants, it was still fun.

I will hopefully have a return trip planned by the end of the week!

Nothing I have stated thus far is not a fact.

So yeah, that TOTALLY happened.

Let’s move past that last gross part with this pretty picture.

Anyways, when you go on a trip like this, you’re bound to meet lots of people. And we did. There was an awesome trio of guys from Indiana. I thought it was a three generation thing, but it turns out there was just a lot of years between the two sons. So a dad and his two sons, the youngest of which was a senior in high school with his calculus book and trying to decide between Purdue and Indiana University. Obviously I told him that boilermakers are dumb. But it was funny to see him drinking beer with his dad and older brother, being awkward with all the girls, and paddling for any wave within 200 feet of him. Also, super cool of the dad of at least 60 years to be out there trying something new, and taking his sons to Costa Rica for a very unique experience like that.

There was a British gal there who thought the older son was cute. It was so funny. We’d be out on the beach taking pictures of the sunset and he’d walk by and she’d make sure to get him in the frame of MULTIPLE shots. I thought he was awkward because he didn’t talk very much. But hey, not everyone thinks I’m as much of an entertaining conversationalist as I do.

So why is the title of this blog velociraptor?

Because THIS is the person I got the most entertainment watching on the trip.

I first noticed her at lunch when I overheard her talking to another woman that was traveling by herself. She was talking (very loudly) about “how I had the most VISCERAL reaction….” and so I knew immediately she is a recent divorce (the French kind, I don’t know how to put an accent on there!).

There is just something about “artistic” women of a certain age that are divorced that use words like “visceral” (and veracity, while you’re at it) while eating chips and salsa. I knew immediately she would be gaming for attention the whole time from one of the many single guys at the surf camp as well. And boy was I right.

She immediately became known as the velociraptor. The boy and I would track all of her movements when she was in view. Here was a typical morning (please read this as if a narrator with a British accent is speaking!)

– The velociraptor awakens from her slumber to stumble down the stairs and lay her head on the table. It has drank far too much booze for a female of 43 years who has a surf lesson at 6 a.m., as we watch we must ask: will the velociraptor awaken to get in the water?

– The velociraptor is lured to the board cage with the appearance of a young, shirtless 20-something male handing out boards. He gives the velociraptor the biggest, safest board available (aka the super-duper newbie board no-one but the velociraptor uses for more than one class even though she’s been surfing for a week). The velociraptor flirts insatiably with the young male, cackling in a manner not at all appropriate for the hour.

– The velociraptor cannot carry her own board to the beach. She whines about it until her 93lb. male instructor carries it for her…along with his own board.

– The velociraptor returns after her lesson and showers in front of the restaurant, ensuring all males gain visual access to her gigantic breasts which are spilling out of her ill-fitting suit.

– The velociraptor takes a seat in the restaurant and begins to hunt for a male on which to feed. She does this by trying to start conversations with any male that walks within 10 feet of her. She offers water, her towel, her half-eaten food, even a massage! Absolutely anything that would get one to sit with her.

We had a surf camp field trip one morning, in which we were lucky enough NOT to ride in the velociraptor’s van. After the velociraptor fell off her board a dozen times, she started devouring the poor, innocent man selling fresh coconut water on the beach. By the time we came in she had consumed 2.5. How do you think her stomach felt later?!?! Hahaha. That fresh coconut water is not something to be taken lightly, FYI. Not that coconut water was my particular issue.

Watching the movements of the modern day velociraptor on vacation in Costa Rica was truly fascinating. Occasionally she would lure a man into her trap. Including our neighbor! Not that I know if anything happened, but I did see him check out of the hotel on Thursday. So I was surprised to see him out on the beach on Saturday. Apparently the velociraptor was far more cunning than I gave her credit for!

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2 comments

  1. Please invite me on this next trip!

    This lady indeed does seem so amusing, unbelievable!


  2. […] Maijaliisa Burkert « Velociraptor […]



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