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Wedding hi-larity & apologies to many!

June 10, 2013

Can someone please explain wedding invitations to me?

I’ve already gotten quite a few this year – as I do every year it seems – and absolutely do not understand why there are so many components and pieces of paper involved. Sometimes even tissue paper comes with them! What the heck is that all about? Because some people are so emotional when getting them they need to wipe their eyes? Clean their glasses? I don’t get it at all.

And I know I’m super dumb about them because I did not have a need for invitations to my own wedding, which was basically because no-one was actually invited. But seriously, we now have this thing called “the internet” that makes me wonder why I still get these huge packets in the mail.

I usually just throw the entire thing away after going cross-eyed trying to read the cursive-y fancy scroll and deciphering who is actually tying the knot since it’s all weird like the parents are announcing it (???) plus lots of people have different last names…but I digress. My point is that recently I saw someone post on FB about ‘please RSVP-either “yay” or “nay”‘ so they could plan accordingly.

Oooops!

All this time I should have been responding that NO I wasn’t coming? I thought that was obvious enough with a non-response, period! I never make it that far through all those papers with the scroll-y font before they go in the trash. I know I have a tendency to be a total A-hole but this is definitely a case where I am totally being an A-hole and don’t even know it! And, let it be known the boy is complicit in this behavior. It’s just a matter of who gets to the mail first.

Luckily, just the other day I got yet another one and saw amongst the pile of papers that it included a self-addressed and stamped card I should mail back with an “accepts” or “regrets”. How convenient. Do they all do this? Good thing it’s only taken me 36 years to learn such a thing. I suppose it’s a miracle I am invited to anything anyways since I’m such a weirdo.

The boy and I just recently celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary, actually. We talked about going out to eat at a nicer restaurant in town, but in the end decided it would be more “us” to just instead get some burritos and FroYo and enjoy those together while drinking vodka (for me) and bourbon (him) out of mason jars at home. It was awesome.

We had fancy chairs to sit in when we got married at the Palazzo Vecchio in Florence, Italy.

We had fancy chairs to sit in when we got married at the Palazzo Vecchio in Florence, Italy.

It is very typical of “us” to not do the fancy-schmancy thing at all. When we got married we made plans to elope in Italy. And by “making plans” I mean paying a lady to do all the coordination for us.

Our wedding rings! We both totally lost our rings before our 1-year anniversary. I left mine on the counter while showering. When I got out of the shower Beatrice had the engagement ring in her mouth, and the wedding ring was no-where to be found ever again. And yes, I checked their poops for weeks and weeks - no ring.

Our wedding rings! We both totally lost our rings before our 1-year anniversary. I left mine on the counter while showering. When I got out of the shower Beatrice had the engagement ring in her mouth, and the wedding ring was no-where to be found ever again. And yes, I checked their poops for weeks and weeks – no ring. When the boy lost his he was kind of all ‘meh it’s “NBD”‘ because I’d already lost mine.

I bought a white linen dress the day before the wedding. This actually did not work out in my favor since the lighting in the dressing room did not indicate it would be totally SEE THROUGH in daylight. Let me just tell you how hilariously bad some of our wedding photos are in which my white underwear is pretty much all you can see because it was soooooooo see through!

So see-through! I was so embarrassed I wanted to die.

So see-through! I was so embarrassed I wanted to die. I think we actually threw away the worst ones. Yes, threw away, since they were paper prints with negatives. We got married before the whole digital camera thing.

But anyways. We even had to hire witnesses to attend and sign the paperwork that we assume says we actually did get married. And I guess it doesn’t matter if it did, since no-one in the U.S. argued with it when I had to change my name, passport, etc. in any official capacity. So there’s that.

Dude, non parliamo italiano. We have no idea WTF he is saying right now. We still assume this whole process was legit.

Dude, non parliamo italiano. We have no idea WTF he is saying right now. We still assume this whole process was legit.

Now, I will give you that we DID get married in a very famous building (the Palazzo Vecchio), in one of the most beautiful cities in the world (Florence, Italy) but we wanted a very private, low-key affair, which it definitely was.

We both totally feel awkward. Funny story about the boy's outfit. He totally had to borrow that shirt and tie from his younger brother. So you can see, neither of us are very "fancy" people in general.

We both totally feel awkward. Funny story about the boy’s outfit. He had to borrow that shirt and tie from his younger brother. So you can see, neither of us are very “fancy” people in general.

That night we decided to eat out at a restaurant that had family-style seating which had us sitting with an older married Italian couple, a younger dating Italian couple, and an older married Japanese couple. The older Italian couple did not speak English but the younger couple did. The Japanese couple did speak some Italian and at the time we spoke very little.

Our photographer spoke no English and at the time we spoke no Italian. There was no way to ask him why on earth he kept tilting his camera 45 degrees for these STUPID but what I can only assume he considered "artistic" shots.

Our photographer spoke no English and at the time we spoke no Italian. There was no way to ask him why on earth he kept tilting his camera 45 degrees for these STUPID but what I can only assume he considered “artistic” shots.

Despite the obvious language barriers it did not take long before the table figured out that we had just been married, and that’s when the real party began. I don’t even remember how we had so many different champagnes and other fancy drinks (after finishing up all the table wine) but it was quite an experience to be celebrating the first few hours of marriage with complete strangers in uncommon languages. All in the basement of a hole-in-the-wall Florentine eatery while wearing casual clothes (trust me, I would never wear that dress in public again!) and just being comfortable.

I think that’s the big thing for me because I am just so UN-comfortable in so many “fancy” situations. I do not feel comfortable in a dress, or in nice shoes (literally, I almost always get blisters!). I do not like to wear make-up or even like going to the salon to get my hair cut. I do not “tan” nor do I use orange spray so I always have goofy tan lines. (Although maybe my dramatic new ink will keep people from noticing that little bit in the future, too!)

My point is, we did it our way, which among most of our friends and family is not the “norm” but it was the right way for us. It was definitely a night I will never forget, nor will I forget the hangover I had to take with me on the train to Venice the next day. That was heinous. Also, train bathrooms are disgusting. I would know, I spent several hours in one that day.

Anyways. Apologies to the dozens of friends and family members who have sent wedding invites to myself and the boy over the past 13 years and have gotten no response at all. But seriously, if I were you I’d look into doing that organization piece online, and actually mentioning that if you CANNOT come you still need to check a box.

Sorry for the boring post! It was much funnier in my head when I was on my deathbed this weekend with the flu. 60 hours of nothing but 7-UP & saltine crackers can result in weird side-effects. Maybe you just had to be there. Ha, get it, no-one was invited??? Still not funny? Go back and read the captions then, maybe those photos will make up for it.

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One comment

  1. Ugh! I hate to admit it, but we were THOSE people!



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